So anyway, I decided to put my porn in alphabetical order (not really – there was an earthquake) and discovered among the cobwebs, The Cosmopolitan Bedside Book of Orgasms. It’s a freebie from 1998 and includes a section entitled ‘Your Essential Orgasm Kit’.
So whaddya think it is? What’s number one on Cosmo’s list of orgasm essentials? Go on, guess! Try! What have you got? A pair of cuffs? Some filthy porn? A ten-inch vibe?
Nope. It’s …
an ostrich feather.
For real! An ostrich feather! This is how women climaxed ten years ago. There are eight items in the kit-list, plus an additional eight for ‘If you’re feeling particularly sexy …’ One of these additional items is ‘bright red lipstick (go glam)’.
So, yeah, it’s Cosmo, it’s mainstream, it’s a decade old. But really, if you’ve ever had an ostrich-assisted orgasm while wearing red lippy, please tell me about it. Other than that, I’ll give a prize of something hot from my top shelf to anyone who can guess two more items from Cosmo’s list of 16 – excluding a vibrator (which is no. 5 on their list! Five!) and massage oil (no. 3). I’ll even throw in the booklet. (‘You’ll come and come and come again!’)
What’s that you say? Scented candles? Nope, they forgot that. An electro stim starter pack? Umm, let me check.
In other news, I got word that a story of mine, Boot Camp, has been selected for Maxim Jakubowksi’s Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica 8 (published Jan 2009). Hurrah! Boot Camp, recently described by Forum magazine as ‘wonderfully original’, first appeared in Alison Tyler’s F is for Fetish. The story’s about a woman who gets off on polishing dirty army boots. Interestingly, among my earthquake cobwebs, I also found the very first Wicked Words anthology from Black Lace which includes my story, The Western Whore. It’s about a woman being subjected to an army-boy gang rape. (It’s consensual! Don’t fret!) So, hmmm, maybe I kink for army boys. And maybe those decades can be quite small after all.
Also in the joy department, I had a short accepted for Black Lace’s forthcoming vampire anthology, Lust at First Bite. The story’s called The Funhouse is Closed Mondays and centres on Simeon and Suzanne, two characters from my Lust Bites vamp novella, The Vampire’s Heart. Simeon and Suzanne, last seen in the Arctic, are now living in a derelict ghost train on Coney Island. This will be published in about 10 million years time. OK, November 2008 in the UK.
And, because I’m not here very often, let me also tell you I sold a story to Alison Tyler for her Sex and Coffee anthology from Pretty Things Press. This is my first PTP publication so I’m super-thrilled. This is actually 10 gazillion years away from being published but that’s fine. I’m being premature today.
So go on, take a guess. We’ve got vibe, oil, lipstick, feather. What else?