So anyway, I decided to put my porn in alphabetical order (not really – there was an earthquake) and discovered among the cobwebs, The Cosmopolitan Bedside Book of Orgasms. It’s a freebie from 1998 and includes a section entitled ‘Your Essential Orgasm Kit’.
So whaddya think it is? What’s number one on Cosmo’s list of orgasm essentials? Go on, guess! Try! What have you got? A pair of cuffs? Some filthy porn? A ten-inch vibe?
Nope. It’s …
an ostrich feather.
For real! An ostrich feather! This is how women climaxed ten years ago. There are eight items in the kit-list, plus an additional eight for ‘If you’re feeling particularly sexy …’ One of these additional items is ‘bright red lipstick (go glam)’.
So, yeah, it’s Cosmo, it’s mainstream, it’s a decade old. But really, if you’ve ever had an ostrich-assisted orgasm while wearing red lippy, please tell me about it. Other than that, I’ll give a prize of something hot from my top shelf to anyone who can guess two more items from Cosmo’s list of 16 – excluding a vibrator (which is no. 5 on their list! Five!) and massage oil (no. 3). I’ll even throw in the booklet. (‘You’ll come and come and come again!’)
What’s that you say? Scented candles? Nope, they forgot that. An electro stim starter pack? Umm, let me check.
In other news, I got word that a story of mine, Boot Camp, has been selected 
for Maxim Jakubowksi’s Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica 8 (published Jan 2009). Hurrah! Boot Camp, recently described by Forum magazine as ‘wonderfully original’, first appeared in Alison Tyler’s F is for Fetish. The story’s about a woman who gets off on polishing dirty army boots. Interestingly, among my earthquake cobwebs, I also found the very first Wicked Words anthology from Black Lace which includes my story, The Western Whore. It’s about a woman being subjected to an army-boy gang rape. (It’s consensual! Don’t fret!) So, hmmm, maybe I kink for army boys. And maybe those decades can be quite small after all.
Also in the joy department, I had a short accepted for Black Lace’s forthcoming vampire anthology, Lust at First Bite. The story’s called The Funhouse is Closed Mondays and centres on Simeon and Suzanne, two characters from my Lust Bites vamp novella, The Vampire’s Heart. Simeon and Suzanne, last seen in the Arctic, are now living in a derelict ghost train on Coney Island. This will be published in about 10 million years time. OK, November 2008 in the UK.
And, because I’m not here very often, let me also tell you I sold a story to Alison Tyler for her Sex and Coffee anthology from Pretty Things Press. This is my first PTP publication so I’m super-thrilled. This is actually 10 gazillion years away from being published but that’s fine. I’m being premature today.
So go on, take a guess. We’ve got vibe, oil, lipstick, feather. What else?
Congratulatory hurrahs re. all the acceptances! And it will be such fun to fetishize each other in Mammoth. Sorry: Fetishize *with* each other.
I once had a tremendous orgasm courtesy of an ostrich feather. Of course, there was a flapper attached to it …
Rather a flapper than an ostrich.
holy crap! am laughing ass of because I *just* finished story with feather fan and reference to ostrich feathers. so…what’s your problem sister!? But if it’s any consolation there was also some brusiing and busted up knuckles and a bit of blood. does that balance things out?
Yay! I will see you in LAFB (have not even said aloud) and in SAC. Congrats on Mammoth. Fan-freaking-tastic
xoxo
Sommer
p.s. I like your photos. Where can I order me one of those big scary men?
lots of yummy news all around!
I’m going to guess that Cosmo had to mention something along the lines of “imagination” as a must-have 10 years ago. And I’m not even going to think that they elaborated much beyond that.
Bubble bath? Special sheets? (oooh la la, how very exotic.
)
I thought I had read lube earlier, but if it’s not on their list, it’s *definitely* at the top of mine. Just went to Good Vibes not too long ago and put together quite the assortment of tester packs of various sorts for various moods.
And on a completely different tangent, I looked at the list of tags on the right side of the page and sort of transposed a few in my mind…so I thought I saw one that read “paranormal ostrich feather orgasms,” and wondered just how in the hell that story would read.
Now wouldn’t that be an interesting short story contest theme?
Raven
Sommer, you are such a dirty pervert with your ostrich feathers! But, yeah, if you have bust knuckles, blood and bruising in your story I could probably overlook an entire flock of ostriches. Congrats on selling to Black Lace. I heard there were a lot of new writers in this one. (New to Adam and VBL, that is. I know you’ve been round the block a bit.)
Raven, yes! Bubble bath! No imagination or sheets, I’m afraid, although number 4 is a ‘huge white towel’ so you can ‘gently dry each other’s secret places after your bath’. You can also spread it on your bed if you want to introduce some food and drink without being inhibited about making a mess on the sheets. I think you should invest in a towel (white! huge!) to go with your lube. Cos I’d hate to think of you being inhibited.
Anyway, you can have something from my top shelf (one of my novels?) if no one else has guessed two essential items by the end of the week.
Oh, and Sommer. Big scary man is from http://www.secretplaces.com No, my mistake! He’s from http://www.sexandsubmission.com Alas, no home visits. So mean of them.
hmm. somehow i missed the guessing part because I got so distracted by the feathers. Raven’s are v. good. um…two items that are not a vibrator or a boot…
scarf and uh…
mask…?
Gee, this is hard because most of what would be on my list would probaby be too scary for Cosmo.
Raven, don’t you think there *enough* paranormal-ostrich-feather-orgasm-themed anthos already on the market?
And I’m glad that Cosmo specified a *white* towel. Because, you know, drying your partner with a navy blue towel might be a little too far out.
Congratulations on all your good news! Nice boots!
I can’t say I’m an expert in all things Cosmo; I’d have never gotten the whole fluffy huge white towel thing. Jeremy, the very thought, Navy blue towel. That’s just wrong thinking, young man. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk fluffy towel color etiquette, I just want to pass my congrats on all that good news!
Thanks, Ella and Craig. Looks like we’ll all be meeting up in Mammoth’s TOC. Party time!
And Craig, you’re right: Jeremy Edwards is warped. Navy b*ue indeed! Outrageous.
Sommer, I reckon you’ve pipped Raven at the post. (Sorry, Raven!) Because Cosmo do suggest a mask for those ‘particularly sexy’ moments. Actually, they don’t call it a mask. They say ‘airline eyeshades (for light blocking)’. Entirely practical, you understand. None of that kinky blindfold malarkey. And no. 2 on their list is that old staple ’silk scarves’ (for ‘elegant restraint’). Cosmo recommend a black silk scarf from Giorgio Armani, £195.
Which is weird because Armani is exactly what I insist on when he elegantly restrains me.
I will go look at my top shelf now for a prize. Sommer, do you have Asking For Trouble? Would you like that? Or maybe Lust Bites if you think AFT might be too dirty for you? Haha! Yeah, right. Your choice.
I must say, I’m disappointed no one guessed ‘paintbrush (great texture)’.
Which is weird because Armani is exactly what I insist on when he elegantly restrains me.
Yup, they use a lot of Armani silk scarves at sexandsubmission.com too.
Ah, I suppose I have a way to go before being the eminently dirty girl that Sommer is.
Along the lines of the light blocking shades formerly known as masks, I discovered while traveling for work that Crowne Plaza has a marketing thing going – upon arrival, on one’s pillow, in a little organza bag, is a bottle of some sort of pillow spray, a CD of soothing music, ear plugs, and a mask..er…light blocking shade.
Quite nice for the business traveler.
Good guessing, Sommer!
Raven
holy crow! I was right! Um… dealer’s choice. Just not Split. I own it already. It’s all dogeared and whatnot. Totally by accident…
yay me! Pervy pays off!
xoxo
Sommer
I’ve often wondered about airline freebies and how, with a bit of tweaking, you could have a neat little kit for perverts.
Sommer, I shall send you Asking For Trouble! Do you have my email for postal address details? Kristinalloyd AT ntlworld DOT com
Thanks for all the comments everyone! This was fun.
I’m not going to say I intentionally try to stay in the CP when I travel for work. Really. Um. Yeah. I mean, how many blindfolds do I need? (one next to the bed, one in the glovebox of the car for an unsuspecting passenger, one in the travel bag, etc.) One can never be too prepared, you know.
This was a lot of fun!
Raven